My mental forces were in retreat everywhere. The intellect was fighting a losing battle. Dispassion was triumphant in every engagement. However, there was a third player, the cunning ‘ally’ of dispassion- absurdity. As I grew more and more detached from waking existence and fell into the swoon of archetypical dreams, joy came in my sleep. I forgot myself and the world and was least bothered about studies marketing trash for waking dream delusions miscalled humans. I was more awake in my sleep than when my eyes were open. The only thing which interested me when awake was Mathew movies and his classes – and they had only one theme – the absurdity of the human condition. Racism, Genocide, Gender issues, the humanitarian crisis in Africa where humans were being butchered for being born into a particular race, the hidden racist messages in advertisement and mainstream cinema, Nazi inspired holocaust ( which had horrified me even earlier) – it seemed human existence was worse than futile- it was positively evil and filthy as urine. The vacuum created by retreat of the instinct of self-preservation on the bodily plane was filled by absurdity. It was in MICA that I became acutely aware of my identity as a Jat. I experienced a deep-seated archetypical Jat in a vision- a crude, simpleton, living in a primitive age- I was shocked and disgusted at this component of my identity. Soon I was disgusted with human existence in general and then any form of fragmented existence. I wanted either absolute and irreversible extinction or infinite inviolable pure existence free from any constraint – bodily, intellectual or egoistical.
The triumph of dispassion was sullied by absurdity. And the absurdity came in the form of racial and parochial consciousness. This absurdity was to play a pivotal role in the impending crisis of consciousness.