It was rage against being just human – a mass of bones and flesh with random thoughts, some beautiful, rest mundane and ugly. What was I doing in that alien body? Why was existence fragmented? Why wasn’t I the entire universe rather than a mere lump of bones and flesh? What were money and political power, sex and love worth when my too mortal flesh was destined to crumble in dust? I was tormented by the fear of old-age and a meaningless existence lading to it- more than death. It became an obsession with me. What was my true nature? As I exhausted my brain by extreme and sustained probing, it grew still. I couldn’t bear waking existence – most of all I couldn’t bear human flesh. I grew disgusted when it struck me that I was encaged in a mortal cage full of feces, urine, phlegm and impending old-age. Soon my disgust spread to all human bodies. I couldn’t bear the site of human bodies. I felt I must transcend this mortal cage. I felt it from deep within. I felt I was the entire universe rather than just a mortal lump of flesh. I felt my being the universe was the reality and the bodily cage a nightmarish dream that I must wake up from.
I had contemplated suicide and zeroed in on two possible methods- drowning or pistol. However in spite of the deepest probe, I couldn’t assure myself that extinction of the biological process would necessarily lead to termination of consciousness. I tried very hard intellectually to assure myself that physical death would terminate psychological suffering. Finally my intellect admitted complete defeat and ceased bothering me. My mind ceased asking questions for no answers were forthcoming.
I went to classes without registering anything. My mind was in a near blank state. It registered nothing. However I was interested in Mathew movies and his classes. Mathew, the cultural studies/film studies faculty at MICA is one of the best teachers I have come across for he provoked the intellect by taking it out of its depth.